11/24/22- Goal [gohl]- From Middle English, etymologically, at least thats the oldest origin commonly found. Referring to “A limit, or boundary”. I find that somewhat ironic, as now we commonly use it to mean something someone is aiming for beyond their “normal” limits, or boundaries. perhaps one could say, they are stretching, or creating new limits, or boundaries. That may be an odd way to begin, but I have been thinking of the word a lot lately. I can not count the number of times I have written the word “GOALS” on a sheet of paper, only to stare at it, for minutes, which became days, never adding any more to it. I would question myself “what are my goals”, and occasionally something would shoot across my minds eye, only to be shot down with reason, or excuses, of why that was ludicrous, by another part of my brain, like some sort of early video game, with yet another part of my mind mockingly chuckling at my feeble attempts. Sometimes I simply made declarations- ” I will (whatever), by (whenever)!!”. Sometimes I told others, for the “positive pressure/reinforcement”, but always with the same “realistic”, mocking, voices looking on, from the peanut gallery of my mind. Forget “New Years resolutions”,the last thing I needed to start a year off was a list of things to depress myself further throughout the coming year. However, that same resistance doesn’t seem to be there any longer. While Im not entirely sure why, and would like to attribute it to a change, or shift, in mind set, I am preferring not to dwell on it, and/or “look a gift horse in the mouth”. Yet I find myself in a similar quandary when sitting down with the word “GOALS” in front of me once again. They seem separate from me, like I could write anything- and I suppose some would simply say,”because you can”. The thoughts themselves seem frightening, as if I set something too high, the possibility of not accomplishing that goal will be a fall from an irrecoverable height, so I must be reserved. My goal simply becomes “coming up with goals”, but still I forge forward. So I write some down, I write down hopes, I write down dreams, I write down longings, and now I end up in a different vexation- “WHY?”!! Yes, “why?”- why do I want that? Where did that come from? Don’t get me wrong- some things are apparent, of course, who don’t want to make more money, be more financially stable, or better with money? Of course I want to be better at my profession, my passions, my relationships, a better person- all of these make sense, they’re universal, I imagine. But- i do have some that I question as to how they will actually serve me, or any of my other goals. Won’t they just be hindering the accomplishment of my other goals?Is the mere questioning what Steven Pressfield would call “resistance”? I tend to think “if it scares you- then you must do that”, and yet, Im not sure that I should. Am I overthinking, as usual? Do goals need reason? Do they need to make “sense”? Or can goals simply be what stretches our limits of reason, or what is possible. If I don’t ask the question- will it never be answered? Are the desires of our heart truly foreknowledge of our future, separate from our own wants? Right now, I don’t know if I really need an answer, so much as I’m just thinking, or typing, out loud. Im not sure if I like my heart having desires my brain can not fully comprehend, or not. It adds to this feeling I have had of late, of my feelings of being “other” from others, really being a sensation of being “other” from my own being. Part of me says I have no choice, and I just need to hold on tight, as forsaking one goal, almost seems to negate ALL of them. Perhaps this is a different part of myself I have been ignoring for to long, finally speaking louder- finally taking aim, and making the shots. I honestly do not know, and Im not even sure I should.